Dear 2019 Me

 Dear 2019 Me,

Hello! It’s probably very strange and confusing hearing from me now! My counselor has asked me to write you. I know it’s been a while – I really didn’t know how to reach out to you, or what to say. The first thing I want to say is I’M SORRY! I feel like I let you down. You were doing so good – and then I offered you an extra bite of peanut butter. I derailed you. And I am so sorry. You have to know. I think about you all the time. I would love to come back and be a part of your life again!! A lot of very well meaning people keep telling me “you can get there again”… but can I? That’s going backwards! I need to move ahead – and maybe achieve a new goal. I just want you to know – I’m not over losing you. I’m struggling with losing you.

As you know, I’ve battled my weight my whole life. Well, “weight” might be the wrong word… I’ve battled my opinion of my weight. Whether I was pencil thin or as big as I’ve ever been I hated what I saw when I looked in a mirror. Even worse – I thought that everyone else saw what I saw and hated me for it. I have no idea where this came from or what compels me to hate myself so. I just do. I’m working on that now. I was trying to work on it with you – but I went down a path with you that ended up being the wrong path for me. I’m proud of all YOU accomplished! But at the same time, I’m so disappointed in myself for not being able to follow in your running shoe-clad footsteps.

Before I forget, please tell Sister 2018 I said “Hi”! I haven’t heard from her in a long, long time. Bless her heart, she was the one who got our ball rolling – and she had the right idea. Once she heard the words from the doctor, “You have diabetes”, she finally did something about her health. She was eating foods that were good for her, she was eating enough, drinking plenty of water and getting some daily exercise. I was so proud of her. She had some kind of nearly super-human willpower! She lost all that weight and inches but most importantly she reversed a potentially deadly disease with nothing more than diet and exercise! Who knew that girl had it in her?! I for one was shocked at her success!

To start with, she was humble in her beginning journey, and she truly was careful to remind anyone who asked that she couldn’t do it without God. Her “secret” was Low Carbs and Jesus! She honestly wanted any success she had to glorify God – and she insisted that her diagnosis of diabetes was a promise made in Romans 8:28 saying “…..all things work for the Good for those who love God”. ALL things – even diabetes. She just wanted to get healthy, glorify God in the process and encourage anyone who needed it.

You know what though? It turns out that the diet she was on was considered a really “extreme diet”, designed for people to knock off a few pounds before going under the knife for bariatric surgery. Not exactly healthy and it certainly wasn’t meant for long term – 6 to 8 weeks tops! The girl did it without even cheating for a solid year. Even if she was eating enough – mentally the diet wasn’t all that healthy. She was an “all or nothing” dieter – and was terrified to even have a taste of something that wasn’t planned for; like one bite of something would send her into a out-of-control-spiral-of-eating-all-the-things. And if nothing else – a diet that completely eliminates certain foods or eating plans that literally villainize food groups isn’t balanced and it’s not sustainable for long term.

I do believe the poor girl developed Diet PTSD from the experience. I tried to help Sister ’18 by letting her know that a slice of pizza was ok every once and awhile. And then I looked the other way when she started eating whole pizzas again. People used to tell her all the time “Hey! You’ve lost a whole person!” She went back and found that person again, and now I believe we’ve lost her. I’d love it if she’d come for a visit. Maybe she and I could work together to find a healthier way of eating. Not dieting… eating.

And then came you, my 2019 alter ego!! YOU, my highly exaggerated, over the top friend, lost your mind and took the whole thing to some crazy, manic level that you didn’t need to go to! I have to say though, I LOVED YOU! Right behind being a “bigtime radio star” you were my favorite version of me. When you finally decided on 50 races?! GAH!! It was so exciting for me! But what was even more exciting for me was all of the other people who were coming along on the “journey” with you. You made it ok for me to look in the mirror again! You made me want my picture taken! You made me feel like an “inspiration”, like I finally found my purpose in life – like I had somehow discovered the actual secret to weight loss and health and my job was to share that good news of the Protein Sparing Modified Fast Diet. You talked a great game – you “ran” some great races, you set your goal of 50 races and you DID THE THING! I’ve never been able to set a goal and accomplish anything – but you did it for me and I loved myself for it!! I made new friends, got up with old friends, and I fell in love with new interests. By the time I was on the news I felt like a celebrity!! Something I’ve always wanted to be is famous – and damn if you weren’t getting me there!! Local news wanted to have you back on their programs to follow your ‘success’. Finally, I had a great topic to write a book about, a topic that sells books! You had all the people reading about your journey on Facebook – telling me as much as they’d pay to read my book. All you needed to do was lose 10 more pounds to reach your goal so that the book would have an ending. You, along with your more level-headed 2018 sister, together managed to lose 130 pounds. What was 10 more pounds? Anybody can lose 10 pounds!! BUT! Thanks to me – and my love for binge eating and peanut butter, you missed the goal by 10. Dang. Damn. Stupid. Stupid. Hateful. Damn. Pounds. And I am so sorry. Even worse than that – you lost track of the original goal – get healthy, glorify God and to sing of the promises of our Savior. You went off the deep end, losing Sister ‘18 in the process. And that whole person you lost? That was me. I did love you – but it turns out there were some people who loved the me I could never love. I didn’t miss “real me” – but they sure did. Now that I’m back to my ‘old self’, I’m currently working on that.

The end of 2019 was hard for me, as you know, never mind gaining weight in the middle of the weight loss journey. The diet had become so unhealthy, living on a steady stream of Bang Energy drinks, Adderall, peanut butter, bacon jerky and protein bars. Then losing my job right out of the blue was devastating and horribly unfair. If it wasn’t for my friends and church family, I wouldn’t have survived the nervous breakdown that came as a result of it. And luckily, despite actually crying in the middle of my job interview, I was able to become employed fairly quickly afterwards. But do you know how stressful it is starting a new job? I ate my way through the holidays and into the new year. I appreciate you hanging in there to finish your goal, hitting the 50^th race on New Year’s Eve, 2019. I was struggling by then, really struggling – but I still had you to be proud of. And I was trying so hard to rein in my poor eating habits and get back on track. I kept saying I was merely working on an “interesting chapter” of the book – you know, the part where we fell off the diet wagon due to life’s circumstances, then we dust ourselves off, get back in the race – pardon the pun – hit the weight loss goal and live happily ever after on the proceeds of my book and subsequent speaking tour…

And if the end of 2019 wasn’t bad enough, 2020 rolled around. With it came Covid, Cancelled Races, Work From Home, Shelter In Place, Quarantine, Isolation, Door Dash, Stimulus Money, Church Closings, Boredom, Loneliness, Binge-Eating, Napping, Depression, Anxiety, Hatred, Self-Loathing, Failure. The “interesting chapter” became a whole other book that needed to be written to explain my failure. And then, just like that, I lost another whole person – You. You were gone. And I’ve missed you. As of today I am 20 pounds away from where we all started. You are officially gone – and I can’t see you coming back.                                       

But! Sometime around the end of 2019 I met someone new. Her name is Jenny and she’s a counselor. After a doctor put me on meds to counterbalance my nervous break down after my job loss – he set me up with her. Turns out she knows a lot about binge-eating, eating disorders and body image issues. I would LOVE it if she had a magic formula so that I could just lose 100 pounds and at least superficially feel better about myself as long as the weight loss held up – but she doesn’t. She’s making me “put in the work”. In fact, I believe she’s trying to help me feel better about myself no matter what I weigh. Sister girl, this is a FOREIGN CONCEPT to me!! The doctor does agree that Counselor Jenny is on the right track, however, and urges me to stick with the girl! I just wish I could tap into some of the whatever it was that you had that drove you to obtain your goals back in 2019.

I’ve gotta get going. I really hate to tell you this – but Counselor Jenny tells me I need to let you go, my superstar, 2019 dream girl! Dwelling on you isn’t healthy for me. I can think of you fondly – as a good memory – but comparing 2021 ME to 2019 YOU isn’t fair to 2021 Me. And obsessing over 2019 You is causing me to move forward while looking backwards, dragging along the “used tos” and “if onlys” instead of reaching ahead for the “what’s nexts”. I do love you - and Sister 2018 - very much, but now I’m trying to look at current me with the same kind of love. It’s hard but I’m trying. Counselor Jenny and my Jesus are helping! Maybe we’ll meet up again some time in the future, but only if you’re willing to support and love me for ME and not for who you think I should be! Maybe we can go for a little run – even a walk would do! Until then, take care of yourself, understand that you are not the number on the scales, and it is ok to give yourself a break. Thank you for everything you did for me, and give your sister a hug… #whatdiabetes #50in2019 #iRan

 

All My Love,

2021 Me.