I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think they're on to you. Luckily a UK Newspaper alerted us before our big plans were foiled. I would have expected a news organization on this side of the pond to be all over news like this - but for whatever reason they just didn't 'see' it. Regardless...
I felt pretty sure the Government would never suspect a thing. I mean, living in a 1-light town, raising my kid on our safe little street, doing my work-a-day job and minding my own business; how in the world would they think to get up in my phone records?! But they did. They have deemed the grab of my - and millions of other American's - phone records as necessary to fight the war on terror. A war the government says is all but over.
The National Security Administration tells me not to worry. There is nothing improper going on here. Eric Holder and the Department of Justice says they're not using my records for anything - they just have them and will continue to have them for my own safety. He'll "look in to it", says Mr. Holder. Why should I doubt him? So don't you worry about anything, my Al-Qaeda terror cell contacts. Just don't call me for a few weeks!
However, I do have cause to worry. By now they have probably uncovered our plans for my massive yard sale. That was supposed to be a secret! You know I was going to try and pull that off without a permit - under the guise of "I didn't know you needed one". But now they're surely on to me. I'll likely face heavy fines, be threatened by "the man" to shut down my operation or risk jail time. The IRS will come and tax me on the income we receive from selling Matthew's toys and some household trinkets. I cringe at the thoughts. They know I pray to Jesus. Because I receive the "One-Call" from church, they know I'm a Southern Baptist. They know that I ordered a copy of George Orwell's 1984. They know I voted for Romney. These things, in the face of our only-tolerant-when-it-suits-them-government, may very well be held against me - despite being the land of the 'free'.
Surely they'll use these things they've gleaned from my phone records to not only persecute me and my desire and RIGHT to freedom, but to track down terrorists the world over. So be mindful if you dial my Verizon-owned phone number - you are being tracked by the government. Yes, you might just be planning a Sunday School outing - but you also might be planning to fill up book bags with pressure cookers and blow up a gang of school children in the name of Ala. Who's to say? You? The Government? Our government has proven that it doesn't really matter what you say - it's what they think. So good luck with that.
Also be aware that they know - just by the phone numbers I dial - that I am a conservative, Jesus-Loving, Gun Appreciating, Southern-born, America-Defending, born-free white woman who's not a great big fan of this over-reaching, socialist wanting government. So you, by calling me on the phone would likely be considered 'guilty by association'.
The bottom line is this, I just can't provide you any expectation of privacy if you call me again. You might try to text. Oh, wait. No. Don't text - try to email. Oh, wait. Department of Justice subpoenas email accounts also. Hey, try Facbook - no. Wait. I'm sure there's cyber-crime bots scanning our every word for 'triggers' or things that might cause them alarm. If you don't want the government to be on your trail, just don't contact me - or anyone else - at all. It's just not safe. You might try to wave if you drive by - just do be too obvious.
This will be my last contact with you, my cell phone crime ring. Surely before I walk away from this computer (plugged into the internet and likely tapped by Big Brother) they are likely to turn up the heat. I won't go down without a fight!! (Unless they try to deprive me of pasta or sugar - then I'm apt to see like a hungry bird!)
God Bless America - MY home sweet home. (For now anyway!)
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