Chapter: Thorn in my Flesh

2 Corinthians 12:6-10 says: "Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ The Apostle Paul. Mic Drop.

Before I get into this post, I must state this: I am in no way, shape or form even remotely trying to compare myself to the Apostle Paul! I mean - this guy wrote 1/2 the New Testament! He was, well, PAUL. The only thing we have in common is, we both tend to express ourselves through writing and we're both sinners - saved by the Grace. And that's about it. Oh. And that whole "thorn in the flesh" thing.

I have battled my weight my whole life. Even when I was skinny I still felt like the biggest girl in the room - and I hated it. "Hate" isn't really strong enough a word for how I felt. I had a deep-seeded revulsion for what I saw in the mirror. And well, it wasn't long before I hated myself for it. I'm not sure where body image perception comes from. I'm no psychologist. All I know is that when I was old enough to even know what "fat" was - I felt like I was it. By the time I was a teenager - without having an official diagnoses - I very definitely had an eating disorder. (I've "googled" the symptoms and low-and-behold, there I am!)

Over the years my battle of the budge has had me trying every infomercial product, reading every women's magazine article and every diet product sales pitch had me hook, line and sinker. I've read every book, I've tried every kind of diet from Adkins to the Master Cleanse. I've attended Over-eaters Anonymous, considered surgery - and would have done it if I had the money, gone to medical weight loss centers, put magnets in my shoes and starved myself. I've vomited, taken laxatives and I've exercised myself nearly into heart failure. I've swallowed vinegar before every meal, I've taken fat blockers and I've lived on speed and diet pills and even cocaine until I worried that my heart would stop. I've taken water pills until my muscles cramped. I woke up EVERY SINGLE MORNING and started a diet only to fail miserably by lunchtime. I've been sick with envy of the thin people of the world, I've beaten myself to a pulp with guilt and self-loathing and I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I have blamed everything there was to blame for being fat for 30+ years and I had all but given up. I finally just resorted to praying for a miracle. "Jesus, please just help me be less fat." I have actually prayed the words - just like Paul - "Lord, take this thorn from me", thinking it would give me a "I know the Word" edge. Nothing. Still fat. And getting fatter by the minute.  And then wondering "What the heck, God? Answer my prayer already". (I don't even feel right saying that!) I gained up to 315 pounds and was ultimately diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.

I've said it before - but just to be clear - I think that ultimately God did indeed answer my prayer to help me lose weight with a diagnoses of diabetes. There's no doubt that I've lost a good amount of weight in a fairly short time - and it hasn't even really been that hard! Because I was afraid of the potentially deadly disease, I finally climbed off the couch and back to the battlefield to go to war with my out-of-control weight. Funny how the fear of death will give you a little needed motivation! Other than that (and let's face it, that's a pretty big one!) but other than that - the only difference this time around, and something I can attribute some of my success to, is Social Media. I just decided - almost on a whim - to post everything on Facebook. I figured if anyone "out there" was reading about my progress - then I was being 'watched' and had to mind myself! Turns out a lot of people started watching!

Over the course of the last 10 weeks, many good things have happened so far. 40.4 pounds (as I write this) of weight loss, 40 inches from various combined spots, 3 pants sizes, even a shoe size. I've gone from actually struggling to stand up from the couch to going 30 minutes on the Elliptical Machine at the gym. Best of all is that I was able to get my Glucose Level into the normal range in 4 days, without medication! My A1C went from 10 to 6.2 and my doctor said I was no longer considered diabetic! Health back in order? Check. I could have stopped right then! But the people were watching. And now seemed to be pulling for me. I really couldn't stop. Understand this - I HATE BEING FAT. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING FAT. I ALWAYS HAVE. AND THE HATE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE. But now all of a sudden I find myself putting the thing I hate the most out there for all to see - "fat pictures", my actual weight, my pants size, what I eat in a day, how I nearly died riding the elliptical machine at the gym. What the heck?! But I can't stop now. To stop now feels like I'd be letting someone down! (Nevermind letting myself down - what if a Facebook friend is on the edge of their seat waiting on my next weight check in?!!) I swear dieting is SO MENTAL!

Funny how God can work in your life. I really don't believe in "coincidences" - I believe that God is in charge of everything that happens. If it's something that leaves you scratching your head, I think it's God revealing Himself in the things around you! So, by design I believe, at the same time my Pastor started a new sermon series, people started noticing this "weight loss journey" of mine. Many people started offering "thumbs up" and awesome words of encouragement. Which is great for motivation! But also people started contacting me privately, wanting information on the diet I was on or just to share their own struggles. People started to call me an "inspiration". What in the world!! 4 months ago I got on the floor to spread out a skirt under my Christmas Tree and I swear I could not get up. I was thinking about that poor gal on the Life-Alert commercials who, you know, fell and couldn't get up and I didn't want to have to call the fire department. I crawled my way over to some sturdy furniture and climbed up it enough to plop down in the chair. How humiliating. (and I hated myself for such a thing). But now I've inspired someone! People are listening to me - of all people - as some kind of diet person! And let me say this as loudly as I can ... TO GOD BE THE GLORY! I cannot tell you how happy I am that 2 different people have told me they too have lost weight - and thanked me for the nudge to get off their own couches. I've shared my diet with many people and I'm actually going to have a lady over to the house to teach her the plan. These things make me excited to talk about weight loss - and you can't really talk about "weight loss" without talking about weight gain. Being "fat" is an "opportunity" to lose weight, get healthy, talk about it, make friends, inspire someone, and Glorify God!  WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me - until today's sermon - that talked about Paul and his thorn. Perfect timing!!  Coincidence? I think not.

Last week I wrote about my "diet testimony" being forever intertwined with my "Christian testimony". Last week that was 'fine with me'. You know - everybody's got their story. But today I was reminded that His grace was sufficient for me and His power was made perfect in weakness. My weakness. My thorn!! Being fat wasn't exactly the 'blessing' I was looking for - but all of a sudden I was thankful just the same! I have a thing I can pin-point as my weakness and I can see as clearly as I'm sitting here God working through it!  My thorn is a visual one (it weighs about 100 pounds right now!) but if I could quote my pastor Jason Marlowe, this thorn - my weakness - is a "platform for God's awesome power to be displayed"!!  I feel like I've been chosen for something great! I'm actually, honestly excited to be the biggest girl in the room!! Who knows how many people might listen to my testimony because of my weight problem?! And then they could see clearly the hand of God working through me! What a testimony!! I mean think about this - if I wasn't ever fat or never ate my way to diabetes what would I even talk about?! Once being 315 pounds gives my weight loss some weight! And I swear this revelation just came over me during a 30 minute sermon this morning.

I've been absolutely beside myself with gratitude today. An in-your-face encounter with the Holy Spirit has a way of doing that!! I'm grateful for my spiritual gift  - the gift of encouragement - and my opportunity to use it through my "thorn". I am humbled to the core that God chose me for this mission and sorry that I didn't embrace it sooner. I am confident that if I include God in every aspect of this attempt to finally get healthy once and for all, I simply will not fail. Because even when I'm at my very weakest - His power is strongest. What's your thorn? Whatever it may be - let God work through it! Be confident in His perfect plan for your life - and let His power be made perfect in your weakness!