Chapter Two ~ Diabetes to Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28.

Romans 8:28 is my all time favorite Bible verse. I found it - or it found me - six years ago in a time and place of great sorrow in my life.  My mom had just died, leaving me as the last one alive from the "Bishop, Party of Four". I was overcome with grief - at the loss of my mom, but also my Bishop Family, our home, life as I knew it, even dishes and furniture and stuff that I couldn't keep.  I had never felt so lost in my life.  Thankfully, I had a couple of things going for me at that time - a doctor who insisted I get on some anti-depressants, and a church family who surrounded me with love and support. I'm sure it had to be one of my church brothers or sisters who introduced me to Romans 8:28, probably as an exclamation point to a pep talk or an attempt to help me feel better. Whatever way the verse came into my life - I have hung onto it with both hands, sometimes while "white-knuckling" through some hardship, a test, or some unexplained happening. It's been my "go to verse" for everything from that debilitating grief to a broken toenail to everything in between.

A few years ago I decided to get that entire Bible Verse tattooed down my back. I felt like it was a permanent declaration that yes, I believe in this! I staked the claim that this is my Word from God - that no matter how bad a thing I faced, He was using it for the good - for me (because I love Him and I've been called according to His purpose!) I'm not sure why I put it down my back - where I can't readily see it. I should have put it in the palm of my empty hand so I could close my fingers around it and cling to the blessing it really is ~ God's promise of good things to come even in the midst of something bad.

Now, as sure as I am of this verse right this minute - remembering it in the middle of a storm is still sometimes difficult. It's in my heart, I believe it to be the Word of God and therefore true, but knowing it and living  it out daily takes work! Sometimes the wheels of life take you so far off course it doesn't even dawn on you that something is going on in your world that even constitutes an "all things" that will eventually be used for the "good of those who love Him...".

And then, there was last summer. Last summer crept up on me in a bad way. I can't explain it - other than it seemed to suck, like a perfect storm of suck-ery. I was struggling financially, spiritually I was as far as I'd ever been from God, mentally off-kilter with rapid occurrences of my depression episodes, and physically I felt worse than I ever had. My energy was low, my joints ached, I was having hot flashes and night sweats, even my vision was bad - and getting worse by the day. But even worse than all of that (and all that was bad), I had a massive spike in my weight! OH GAWD NO!!  ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!  I would honestly rather take a beating than gain another pound. The more fat I became the less good about myself I felt. The eating disorder runs deep with this one...

At that time, I'd been overweight for a while - but I was holding steady at the same weight. Suddenly I was packing on pounds out of nowhere, gaining it mostly in my stomach. I grew out of all of my "fat clothes".  It's a bad day when your fattest, fat clothes don't fit you anymore. Romans 8:28 - sure - but I felt like Lieutenant Dan on top of Forrest Gump's shrimpin' boat screaming at God to gimmie some more! (Don't ever do that, by the way, because He can and He will...). I made a doctor's appointment for blood work, thinking I was going through menopause. I was actually pulling for a rip-roaring hormonal imbalance to explain all of this - and something to 'fix'. Once there, the scales killed whatever "umpf" I might have had left - checking in at 315 pounds. I didn't just cross that 300 pound threshold, I kicked that door down with my fat, bloated foot. It was devastating, a 40 pound weight gain out of nowhere and my doctor used the words "morbidly obese" to describe me. I felt so horrible I just wanted Jesus to make like the Price is Right and come on down - I was done. I just wanted to crawl my fat behind up into bed and die. It. Was. That. Bad.

I have had weight demons my whole life. Even when I was skinny I thought I was fat. I could write a whole book about my eating disorder, love/hate relationship with food, body image, obsession with scales and weight and clothes. But I hadn't 'practiced' my disorder in years. In my depressed state - I had pretty much resigned myself to being fat. I didn't care and didn't see any reason to try to fix it. I was just going to be fat and hate myself for it. The only effort I put into any weight loss was praying for God to help me not be fat.  I prayed that every day, I'm sure. Twice on Sundays. And He's answered my prayers by giving me every thing I've ever needed to get healthy - smarts to understand nutrition, legs to walk, stubborn willpower, money for groceries, cheap gym memberships, even a rambunctious dog that needed to be walked often. But I guess instead of realizing any of that - I had gotten to the point that I just wanted to wallow around in my morbid obesity and hope He'd remove the fat from me.

Enter the Holy Spirit...

Romans 8:26 says ".... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans". When the doctor's office gave me the results of my blood work, diabetes was the LAST thing I expected. But in hindsight it makes perfect sense. It never dawned on me to pray for diabetes, but my prayer of "help me not be fat" was answered with that life-altering diagnoses.

Believe me, I'm not minimizing diabetes. And I'm certainly not suggesting everyone with it just go around happy about it, thumbing their noses at their meds expecting a low-carb miracle! But I am asking you to consider your own life-altering diagnoses, whatever it may be, as an "all thing" that God is using for your good. He didn't do this to me - He's doing it through me to glorify Him. My hope in Him grows more evident with each pound I shed, with every smaller pair of pants I get into, and with every normal glucose reading I measure. It certainly looks like my Christian testimony and my weight loss testimony will forever be intertwined - making even the thing I HATE worse than anything in this whole world - being fat - an "all thing". (See what He did there?!) #whatdiabetes