Chapter: Thorn in my Flesh

2 Corinthians 12:6-10 says: "Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness". Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ The Apostle Paul. Mic Drop.

Before I get into this post, I must state this: I am in no way, shape or form even remotely trying to compare myself to the Apostle Paul! I mean - this guy wrote 1/2 the New Testament! He was, well, PAUL. The only thing we have in common is, we both tend to express ourselves through writing and we're both sinners - saved by the Grace. And that's about it. Oh. And that whole "thorn in the flesh" thing.

I have battled my weight my whole life. Even when I was skinny I still felt like the biggest girl in the room - and I hated it. "Hate" isn't really strong enough a word for how I felt. I had a deep-seeded revulsion for what I saw in the mirror. And well, it wasn't long before I hated myself for it. I'm not sure where body image perception comes from. I'm no psychologist. All I know is that when I was old enough to even know what "fat" was - I felt like I was it. By the time I was a teenager - without having an official diagnoses - I very definitely had an eating disorder. (I've "googled" the symptoms and low-and-behold, there I am!)

Over the years my battle of the budge has had me trying every infomercial product, reading every women's magazine article and every diet product sales pitch had me hook, line and sinker. I've read every book, I've tried every kind of diet from Adkins to the Master Cleanse. I've attended Over-eaters Anonymous, considered surgery - and would have done it if I had the money, gone to medical weight loss centers, put magnets in my shoes and starved myself. I've vomited, taken laxatives and I've exercised myself nearly into heart failure. I've swallowed vinegar before every meal, I've taken fat blockers and I've lived on speed and diet pills and even cocaine until I worried that my heart would stop. I've taken water pills until my muscles cramped. I woke up EVERY SINGLE MORNING and started a diet only to fail miserably by lunchtime. I've been sick with envy of the thin people of the world, I've beaten myself to a pulp with guilt and self-loathing and I stopped looking at myself in the mirror. I have blamed everything there was to blame for being fat for 30+ years and I had all but given up. I finally just resorted to praying for a miracle. "Jesus, please just help me be less fat." I have actually prayed the words - just like Paul - "Lord, take this thorn from me", thinking it would give me a "I know the Word" edge. Nothing. Still fat. And getting fatter by the minute.  And then wondering "What the heck, God? Answer my prayer already". (I don't even feel right saying that!) I gained up to 315 pounds and was ultimately diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes.

I've said it before - but just to be clear - I think that ultimately God did indeed answer my prayer to help me lose weight with a diagnoses of diabetes. There's no doubt that I've lost a good amount of weight in a fairly short time - and it hasn't even really been that hard! Because I was afraid of the potentially deadly disease, I finally climbed off the couch and back to the battlefield to go to war with my out-of-control weight. Funny how the fear of death will give you a little needed motivation! Other than that (and let's face it, that's a pretty big one!) but other than that - the only difference this time around, and something I can attribute some of my success to, is Social Media. I just decided - almost on a whim - to post everything on Facebook. I figured if anyone "out there" was reading about my progress - then I was being 'watched' and had to mind myself! Turns out a lot of people started watching!

Over the course of the last 10 weeks, many good things have happened so far. 40.4 pounds (as I write this) of weight loss, 40 inches from various combined spots, 3 pants sizes, even a shoe size. I've gone from actually struggling to stand up from the couch to going 30 minutes on the Elliptical Machine at the gym. Best of all is that I was able to get my Glucose Level into the normal range in 4 days, without medication! My A1C went from 10 to 6.2 and my doctor said I was no longer considered diabetic! Health back in order? Check. I could have stopped right then! But the people were watching. And now seemed to be pulling for me. I really couldn't stop. Understand this - I HATE BEING FAT. I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING FAT. I ALWAYS HAVE. AND THE HATE IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE. But now all of a sudden I find myself putting the thing I hate the most out there for all to see - "fat pictures", my actual weight, my pants size, what I eat in a day, how I nearly died riding the elliptical machine at the gym. What the heck?! But I can't stop now. To stop now feels like I'd be letting someone down! (Nevermind letting myself down - what if a Facebook friend is on the edge of their seat waiting on my next weight check in?!!) I swear dieting is SO MENTAL!

Funny how God can work in your life. I really don't believe in "coincidences" - I believe that God is in charge of everything that happens. If it's something that leaves you scratching your head, I think it's God revealing Himself in the things around you! So, by design I believe, at the same time my Pastor started a new sermon series, people started noticing this "weight loss journey" of mine. Many people started offering "thumbs up" and awesome words of encouragement. Which is great for motivation! But also people started contacting me privately, wanting information on the diet I was on or just to share their own struggles. People started to call me an "inspiration". What in the world!! 4 months ago I got on the floor to spread out a skirt under my Christmas Tree and I swear I could not get up. I was thinking about that poor gal on the Life-Alert commercials who, you know, fell and couldn't get up and I didn't want to have to call the fire department. I crawled my way over to some sturdy furniture and climbed up it enough to plop down in the chair. How humiliating. (and I hated myself for such a thing). But now I've inspired someone! People are listening to me - of all people - as some kind of diet person! And let me say this as loudly as I can ... TO GOD BE THE GLORY! I cannot tell you how happy I am that 2 different people have told me they too have lost weight - and thanked me for the nudge to get off their own couches. I've shared my diet with many people and I'm actually going to have a lady over to the house to teach her the plan. These things make me excited to talk about weight loss - and you can't really talk about "weight loss" without talking about weight gain. Being "fat" is an "opportunity" to lose weight, get healthy, talk about it, make friends, inspire someone, and Glorify God!  WHO KNEW?! Certainly not me - until today's sermon - that talked about Paul and his thorn. Perfect timing!!  Coincidence? I think not.

Last week I wrote about my "diet testimony" being forever intertwined with my "Christian testimony". Last week that was 'fine with me'. You know - everybody's got their story. But today I was reminded that His grace was sufficient for me and His power was made perfect in weakness. My weakness. My thorn!! Being fat wasn't exactly the 'blessing' I was looking for - but all of a sudden I was thankful just the same! I have a thing I can pin-point as my weakness and I can see as clearly as I'm sitting here God working through it!  My thorn is a visual one (it weighs about 100 pounds right now!) but if I could quote my pastor Jason Marlowe, this thorn - my weakness - is a "platform for God's awesome power to be displayed"!!  I feel like I've been chosen for something great! I'm actually, honestly excited to be the biggest girl in the room!! Who knows how many people might listen to my testimony because of my weight problem?! And then they could see clearly the hand of God working through me! What a testimony!! I mean think about this - if I wasn't ever fat or never ate my way to diabetes what would I even talk about?! Once being 315 pounds gives my weight loss some weight! And I swear this revelation just came over me during a 30 minute sermon this morning.

I've been absolutely beside myself with gratitude today. An in-your-face encounter with the Holy Spirit has a way of doing that!! I'm grateful for my spiritual gift  - the gift of encouragement - and my opportunity to use it through my "thorn". I am humbled to the core that God chose me for this mission and sorry that I didn't embrace it sooner. I am confident that if I include God in every aspect of this attempt to finally get healthy once and for all, I simply will not fail. Because even when I'm at my very weakest - His power is strongest. What's your thorn? Whatever it may be - let God work through it! Be confident in His perfect plan for your life - and let His power be made perfect in your weakness!

Chapter Two ~ Diabetes to Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. ~ Romans 8:28.

Romans 8:28 is my all time favorite Bible verse. I found it - or it found me - six years ago in a time and place of great sorrow in my life.  My mom had just died, leaving me as the last one alive from the "Bishop, Party of Four". I was overcome with grief - at the loss of my mom, but also my Bishop Family, our home, life as I knew it, even dishes and furniture and stuff that I couldn't keep.  I had never felt so lost in my life.  Thankfully, I had a couple of things going for me at that time - a doctor who insisted I get on some anti-depressants, and a church family who surrounded me with love and support. I'm sure it had to be one of my church brothers or sisters who introduced me to Romans 8:28, probably as an exclamation point to a pep talk or an attempt to help me feel better. Whatever way the verse came into my life - I have hung onto it with both hands, sometimes while "white-knuckling" through some hardship, a test, or some unexplained happening. It's been my "go to verse" for everything from that debilitating grief to a broken toenail to everything in between.

A few years ago I decided to get that entire Bible Verse tattooed down my back. I felt like it was a permanent declaration that yes, I believe in this! I staked the claim that this is my Word from God - that no matter how bad a thing I faced, He was using it for the good - for me (because I love Him and I've been called according to His purpose!) I'm not sure why I put it down my back - where I can't readily see it. I should have put it in the palm of my empty hand so I could close my fingers around it and cling to the blessing it really is ~ God's promise of good things to come even in the midst of something bad.

Now, as sure as I am of this verse right this minute - remembering it in the middle of a storm is still sometimes difficult. It's in my heart, I believe it to be the Word of God and therefore true, but knowing it and living  it out daily takes work! Sometimes the wheels of life take you so far off course it doesn't even dawn on you that something is going on in your world that even constitutes an "all things" that will eventually be used for the "good of those who love Him...".

And then, there was last summer. Last summer crept up on me in a bad way. I can't explain it - other than it seemed to suck, like a perfect storm of suck-ery. I was struggling financially, spiritually I was as far as I'd ever been from God, mentally off-kilter with rapid occurrences of my depression episodes, and physically I felt worse than I ever had. My energy was low, my joints ached, I was having hot flashes and night sweats, even my vision was bad - and getting worse by the day. But even worse than all of that (and all that was bad), I had a massive spike in my weight! OH GAWD NO!!  ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!  I would honestly rather take a beating than gain another pound. The more fat I became the less good about myself I felt. The eating disorder runs deep with this one...

At that time, I'd been overweight for a while - but I was holding steady at the same weight. Suddenly I was packing on pounds out of nowhere, gaining it mostly in my stomach. I grew out of all of my "fat clothes".  It's a bad day when your fattest, fat clothes don't fit you anymore. Romans 8:28 - sure - but I felt like Lieutenant Dan on top of Forrest Gump's shrimpin' boat screaming at God to gimmie some more! (Don't ever do that, by the way, because He can and He will...). I made a doctor's appointment for blood work, thinking I was going through menopause. I was actually pulling for a rip-roaring hormonal imbalance to explain all of this - and something to 'fix'. Once there, the scales killed whatever "umpf" I might have had left - checking in at 315 pounds. I didn't just cross that 300 pound threshold, I kicked that door down with my fat, bloated foot. It was devastating, a 40 pound weight gain out of nowhere and my doctor used the words "morbidly obese" to describe me. I felt so horrible I just wanted Jesus to make like the Price is Right and come on down - I was done. I just wanted to crawl my fat behind up into bed and die. It. Was. That. Bad.

I have had weight demons my whole life. Even when I was skinny I thought I was fat. I could write a whole book about my eating disorder, love/hate relationship with food, body image, obsession with scales and weight and clothes. But I hadn't 'practiced' my disorder in years. In my depressed state - I had pretty much resigned myself to being fat. I didn't care and didn't see any reason to try to fix it. I was just going to be fat and hate myself for it. The only effort I put into any weight loss was praying for God to help me not be fat.  I prayed that every day, I'm sure. Twice on Sundays. And He's answered my prayers by giving me every thing I've ever needed to get healthy - smarts to understand nutrition, legs to walk, stubborn willpower, money for groceries, cheap gym memberships, even a rambunctious dog that needed to be walked often. But I guess instead of realizing any of that - I had gotten to the point that I just wanted to wallow around in my morbid obesity and hope He'd remove the fat from me.

Enter the Holy Spirit...

Romans 8:26 says ".... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans". When the doctor's office gave me the results of my blood work, diabetes was the LAST thing I expected. But in hindsight it makes perfect sense. It never dawned on me to pray for diabetes, but my prayer of "help me not be fat" was answered with that life-altering diagnoses.

Believe me, I'm not minimizing diabetes. And I'm certainly not suggesting everyone with it just go around happy about it, thumbing their noses at their meds expecting a low-carb miracle! But I am asking you to consider your own life-altering diagnoses, whatever it may be, as an "all thing" that God is using for your good. He didn't do this to me - He's doing it through me to glorify Him. My hope in Him grows more evident with each pound I shed, with every smaller pair of pants I get into, and with every normal glucose reading I measure. It certainly looks like my Christian testimony and my weight loss testimony will forever be intertwined - making even the thing I HATE worse than anything in this whole world - being fat - an "all thing". (See what He did there?!) #whatdiabetes

Heroes

When I think of “heroes”, the first thing that comes to my mind are “Super Heroes”; larger-than-life, cape-draped slayers of evil, doers of good, serving up justice to villains and bringing safety and well-being to the citizens of their made up towns. Whether Superman was leaping tall buildings in a single bound to save the entire world from Lex Luthor, Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder were outsmarting the Joker just in time to save Gotham City from sure disaster or Wonder Woman was tying up bad guys with her Golden Lasso of Truth, and flying around in the coolest airplane I’ve never seen – Super Heroes bring hope when all seems hopeless, victory for the common man, snatched from the jaws of defeat and a reminder that in the face of evil, ultimately good will prevail!

As made up as they were, the Super Heroes of the ‘golden age’ of comic books – actually did bring relief to a worried nation as Americans were off fighting in World War II for ‘real’ Truth, Justice and the American Way. More than 400 thousand ‘real life’ military heroes never made it home from the battlefields. For 10 cents, and an afternoon spent reading, the Comic Book Crusaders would save the day again – even if only in the daydreams of war-weary readers briefly escaping the realities of real-life evil.

We love our Super Heroes! We’ve made legendary crime-fighters out of bats, spiders, turtles, and ticks. We even thank our lucky stars every time a mighty, little mouse comes to ‘save the day’ at least once an episode! But for our beloved Super Heroes, where would we be? How would we manage in the face of danger? Who would save us when the bad guy hatches a scheme to take over the world?! And there was cause for concern, as even Superman had Kryptonite.

Back here in the real world, we have no such ‘Super Hero’. If we were to see a guy swinging from building to building in a red and blue spider suit, we would see an ambulance close behind him with a one way ticket to the psych ward. There is no nerdy guy ripping off his business suit in a phone booth to save the world or a “bat signal” calling up a masked avenger to come and protect us all from doom. But no worries. For us, calling up a real-life hero is as easy as dialing 911.

Policemen, Firemen, Emergency Medical Technicians, any first responder will come to the aid of the citizens they serve at the first sign of trouble. They take their lives in their own hands as they arrive on a scene filled with unknown dangers, risking maybe never seeing their own families again to save a stranger in need. These men and women have some kind of different heart to take on jobs that others would run away from. It’s not for money or fame or prestige. I believe they are simply instilled with a calling to serve others. Men and women after God’s own heart – wanting to help people for the sake of helping. They are the ones making the world a better and safer place – forces of good in what can be the worst of times. And just like our cartoon Super Heroes, their ‘alter-egos’ live normal, everyday lives but always at the ready to spring into action should some need arise.

If you’re lucky, you know one of these people personally. I do. Jason Black is a firefighter for the Mt. Holly Fire Department.  And he’s my friend. In reality, where Super Heroes don’t exist, Jason – along with his first responding brothers and sisters - are out there saving the day for the citizens of our town and is every bit of a real-life hero to those who know and love him!

Jason is a member at my church. And even more than that, he and his family and I are all in the same small church group together. Over the last few years I’ve gotten to know Jason, his wife Jen and their two beautiful kids. Our “Life Group” is like one big family, and it’s safe to say that we all love and care about one another a great deal. If any of us need anything, someone from the group is there to provide. I’d like to call myself ‘lucky’ to be a part of such a group – but more than luck, I think God put us all together! (But that’s for another blog post!). As a single mom, I sometimes find myself in need of a handy guy. Jason has come to my rescue more than once when I had car trouble, he and his family along with others from the Life Group helped me move my gigantic and ridiculously heavy furniture when I moved, he’s trimmed my trees, cut my grass, even let my kid in our house once when he was locked out. If I was ever in need and he was available he would come. And I’m just one person. He’s done the same for others – that I know about – and no telling how many others just during the course of his day. He – and his wife Jen also – is just like that. Helping because someone needs help.

As a fireman he was once on the scene of my friend’s house fire. That night was so scary and chaotic. The house wasn’t completely burned down but very, very heavily damaged. There were a couple of things in the back of the house that my friend was going to need. Jason let me go inside. Guiding me with his flashlight, he lead me to the back of the smoky, wet house. I’d never in my life seen anything like it. It was dangerous and awful being in there after the fact – I just couldn’t imagine actually running into a burning building. What bravery these firefighters have. I would think running towards something that could easily take your life goes against nature. Seeing him and the fire department at work that night brought comfort to me. And they saved my friend’s house from complete destruction. No cape. No mask. No super powers. But every bit a hero.

About a month ago, in our small little town, one of the big churches on Main Street caught on fire. The fire quickly became massive. Immediately the Life Group hit the group chat, checking on Jason, to see if he was there. His wife told us that he was. We watched live news feeds of the fire burning away at the roof of this 100 year old church.  Jen said Jason had slipped down some of the front steps with a hard landing only to get back up and run into this burning building. He was ok, she said, but asked us to pray for him and the firemen on the scene. The Mt. Holly Fire Department along with fire departments from all over the county fought this fire for hours. Later that evening, my son and I drove up to Main Street. I told Jen I would check on her husband while we were there. Just seeing the smoke rising from a gutted church, surrounded by people, flashing lights, police everywhere, news reporters, EMTs, and fire trucks in any direction made me anxious and nervous. It was sad and it was dangerous and there was urgency in the air. My adrenaline was high – and we were just walking along the side walk. I couldn’t imagine what Jason must have been feeling. I found him in a crowd of firemen and waved him over. And he was as calm as a person could be. While he was as cool as a cucumber, I rattled off a bunch of ‘bystander’ kind of questions, he answered. I asked him if he was ok and he said he was fine. I told him I had never seen anything like that before in my life and he said – as calmly as if he were reading an instruction manual for something easy – it was the biggest fire he had ever worked.

I sent a message to Jen letting her know I had spoken with him and he seemed perfectly fine. And then I told her that I felt like Matthew and I had just talked to some sort of hero or super star! I was literally in awe of the things he and the rest of the department did that day. And the fact that he stood there and had a calm and normal conversation despite the chaos all around him was, I believe, a testament to the kind of man he is. Jen said when he got home that night he was fine. He was just really hungry! Do Super Heroes eat? I’m sure they must.

A week later Jason went to the emergency room and had emergency surgery. The doctor found a tumor and the fear was cancer. A few days later it was confirmed. The tumor was cancer – and it was still there. I thought back to him fighting the biggest fire he’d ever seen without fear and wondered if this would be the thing to scare him. It scared me for him, and for Jen and the kids.

Last week at Life Group, Jen and Jason were there. It was the first time I’d seen them since the surgery. They both looked a little tired but no worse for the wear. I couldn’t help it, but I watched them that night. Jen pulled the chair out for him and helped him sit down. She would ask him if he was ok and he would assure her that he was. She kept looking over at him – just to check on him, I guess, but if love was little pink hearts floating over the heads of those affected, then Jen would have been engulfed by them! He would look back at her and smile as if to say “I’m fine”. It was the vow “in sickness and in health” in action. And it was precious. They told us what the doctor said and that a treatment plan would be put together soon. And that was that. And then we went on about our Bible Study.

During our prayer that night, Jason spoke up and prayed aloud. He put his life and his health into the hands of God and had faith that God was in complete control. And then he thanked God for using the cancer and his life as a testimony for others. He did it again! Landing in the middle of a chaotic scene of dangerous diagnoses and unknown futures and bringing comfort to us scared and worried people. Still calm and collected. Turns out Cancer would not be his Kryptonite.

I’ve made much out of my friend Jason on this blog post tonight. But let’s be clear. Jason, even if he tried, is not faster than a speeding bullet. He is not able to leap tall buildings with a single bound. I assume he doesn’t have X-Ray vision and he doesn’t live in a mansion with a fireman’s pole down to the bat cave. He can’t spin a web any size or catch thieves just like flies. He doesn’t wear rocket boots or wear a super suit and he doesn’t fly around in an invisible airplane. So what makes him so special?! Besides being a fire-fighting, grass-cutting, car-fixing, furniture-moving, kid-rescuing guy I know who evidently laughs in the face of danger…

He brushes his little girl’s hair.

And he dresses up for her birthday parties.

He teaches his little boy to play guitar.

He’s a role model for his kids.

And a role model for other people's kids.

He’s a family man.

And he’s great husband.

He’s a volunteer at church.

And he’s a friend.

And that’s more than enough to make him a hero to me!

Jason and Jen have a battle ahead of them. They have been surrounded with love from friends, family, co-workers and church family. All I have to offer that hasn't been done for them already is this blog post, letting them know that I love them, pray for them and their family daily and will continue to pray throughout their journey back to good health. And I can urge others to pray as well, believing that healing is in the hands of our great Creator!

Jason, Jen, Olivia and Jase, May the Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace. ~ Numbers 6:24-26

Caravan of Tuckaseege Bumper Stickers

It was 6 months ago - nearly to the day - that my best friend's home caught on fire.  She and her 4 kids lost nearly everything they had, including two of their beloved pets.  It was a devastating event in a year for her that had already been rocked with a lot of hardship.  But as terrible a thing it is to round the corner of the street to your home and see the fire department beating down flames, there was so much good that came out of it as well.  I went home that night, unable to sleep, and wrote about it.  Here's a portion of that blog post:

"And then tonight happened.  Tonight we were serving a meal and a sermon to the people at the Gastonia Street Ministries.  We've been going the 2nd Thursday of each month for the last couple of years.  We've nearly got it down to an art!  I don't want to say 'routine' - but it sort of just works out that way now. Tonight was all together different though.  We got a phone call during the meal service about an emergency back at the home of one of our team members.  And suddenly that little "Gang of Doers" sprang into action to rally around our Christian sister in her time of need.  By the time we rounded the corner of her street in our neighborhood, the road was lined with fire trucks and Tuckaseege bumper stickers.  The scene was bad.  It was.  But the first thing I spotted amid the flashing lights and chaos was love.  As a verb, love was spilling out all over the street in front of her home.  Before the first responders had even taken off their jackets - my church had my sweet friend taken care of.  All of our pastors were there - 2 of them even in super hero shirts (because they just both happened to be wearing super hero shirts today - it's how they roll).  Sunday school teachers, one of the firemen was a life-grouper, ex-veterinary technicians to take care of a pet bird, sisters from our prison ministry, our church brother Stephen Stephens (yes, that's really his name) who is just known for giving the BEST HUGS!  Within minutes she and her kids and her dog had a place to stay, new pajamas, any toothbrush, shampoo type thing they might need, breakfast lined up for morning and a solid plan to take care of that family for the next coming days.  Weeks, even.  As long as she needs help - the church is already planning to be there.  The Bible tells us that where ever two or more are gathered in Jesus name - the Holy Spirit is there as well.  He was there tonight - I felt Him.  Even in the face of this disaster - God was there.  And so was half the church and the entire Mt. Holly fire department - who saved the lives of two of her pets and saved her home from total destruction."

Our beloved church came together that night and helped my friend.  It was a scary time for her and the kids as sudden homelessness has a way of causing worry.  But overall I believe she rested in the fact that God dispatched His people to her side in her time of need.  I loved my church already - but I fell madly in love that night - watching them join up to practice "Love in Action", just like the tee-shirts say.

So fast forward to today.  The house has been completely restored - even upgraded in spots and it's beautiful!  There's no sign of fire anywhere, fresh, bright paint on the walls, new floors, doors and cabinets,   The insurance company took good care of her, the restoration company did a fantastic job and it was exciting to see the house, sparkly clean and new!!  Today was moving day!  And just like 6 months ago when many people from the church showed up - there they were again today.

Many of the same people from the night of the fire promising to help her where ever they could help - saw it through to the end of this ordeal.  There were so many people who showed up to help that we were able to do a "fireman's brigade line", just handing stuff to the person standing beside us from the truck all the way into the back of the house!  It was amazing to see these people still loving on her - long after the immediate crisis had ceased.  And just like last time - God showed Himself in the details of the day, Love poured out onto Hill Street again and the road was lined with Tuckaseege Bumper Stickers.

1 John 3:18 says, "Dear Children, Let us not love with words or speech but in actions and in truth".We say that all the time - "Love in Action"!!  But what does it mean?  You can be a nice person and help somebody move some furniture or paint a room or babysit some children or cook someone a meal or buy a coffee for the guy behind you in a line.  But without LOVE it is just a nice gesture.  Likewise - if someone needs something and you, Christian reader, say "God Bless You!  I love ya and I'll be praying" but don't offer any practical help then you're not really loving the way you've been called to love (remember - "your neighbor as yourself?!").  Love in Action - Showing love BY your actions.  And you love others because you're loved by the One who is Love.

Again, I want to thank my sweet church.  It does my heart happy to be a part of such an amazing group of 'doers'.  If you ever need me - all you have to do is ask!

The Church Pew

There was light and beauty.  There was wisdom, friendship, family and love.  There were several very different walks of life all brought together this morning - like a naturally scattered stone path perfectly placed by God Himself - on one pew of the church.

On the end was a husband and wife.  Her mother was a church member when she was born so that makes her a 'lifer'!  He fell in love with her while they were teens - and he came to the church for her.  When he finally found Jesus - he came for Jesus.  And her!  I imagine between the two of them with the time they've spent together in the church, they have heard the Bible preached and the Gospel told every way it could possibly be presented - and more than once!  They are a beautiful example of humility, quiet giving and doers of the Word. They've lived in the same house for more than 30 years.

Beside her on the pew was her dear friend and neighbor.  They have lived life beside each other forever even going into the hospital on the same day as they both gave birth to their first daughters.  I imagine these two have turned to each other a thousand times over the years - each considering the other "that friend".  They love each other with Christian hearts and a lot like sisters!  It's the pair of friends you hope you and your bestie will grow up and be someday!

That woman married into one of the founding families of the church.  Her last name goes hand in hand with our church!  You rarely see the church without her in it.  She's a Sunday School teacher and a Lifegroup leader.  She really, really knows so much about walking with Christ - she's raised two girls into Women of God and she's been a mother to countless others.  She's the mother for those who's moms are gone - in one way or another.  And sometimes even a grandma to little children who need a Godly grandparent!  She is beauty and grace and she's the kind of Godly woman strive to be.

Right beside her was a woman who grew up a long way from our small town.  She grew up in a home who didn't attend church or talk much about Jesus.  But just as if God had a plan - she and her husband made their way into our state - and then into our church!  She would tell you herself that she was uncomfortable in certain situations, she didn't know how to be the 'doer' we as Christians are expected to be.  But she wanted to!  She plugged herself into all kinds of church activities and events so she could step out a little further in faith.  She is one of the many who was taken under the wing of the woman to her right.  She has learned by spending time with her how to be a Christian wife, a Christian mother, a sister and even a Christian daughter - shining the light of Christ brightly into her childhood home.  And since being so far away from home and family is hard, she has a Godly 'substitute mom' and her kids have a beautiful church family who want nothing more but the very best for them.  It's God's hand-picked relationship and part of His large plan!  Lately she's climbed way out of her comfort-zone to be a friend to a girl in real need of friendship.  Someone who at times would not even get out of bed if it wasn't necessary.  Someone suffering and in pain.  She sat beside her on the pew.

That woman always 'knew' God - but didn't really KNOW God.  When she finally gave herself to Him fully He gave her a beautiful church to call home and a church family who was in place by the time the last of her own family had died.  She too has been mothered by our beautiful Sunday School teacher.  She's come so far in her Christian walk - going from party girl, bar-hopper to one who speaks to ladies in prison or girls at a homeless shelter.  She loves Jesus - and she loves God's people.  She encourages those who know her - at least she's been told that countless times.  But.  She suffers greatly with sadness - diagnosed with Major Depression.  When she has her dark times she has a tendency to isolate herself, not reach out, not do the things she usually loves....many Sundays she wouldn't even make it to church.  She's been ministered to by that dear Christian sister - who at one time struggled with reaching out to anyone outside of her comfort zone.  It's a friendship that's blooming like a flower tended to by God!  That sad girl is me.  And I'm so grateful God put us together in His master garden!

Beside me on the pew this morning was a young lady who reminds me a lot of myself 20 years earlier.  Except she's making it on her own way better than I ever could!  I was lucky enough to have a loving family who did for me anything I could have ever needed.  That just doesn't seem to be the case for her.  She found her way to our church this past summer and ended up falling in love with Jesus there!  She needs help because she's young - both in life and her Christian walk - and I love her so.  I am compelled to reach out to her and make sure she's reminded often how much Jesus loves her!  It's funny how much I can't keep myself together some days but I can be a help to someone else.  I know God has used me in her life in some way because I've seen that look on her face that you get when you realize a prayer has been answered!  It won't be long before she's got someone sitting to her left who she's ministered to.  Someone who can look at her and say "well, if God can work it out for her He can work it out for me too!"  (Just like she can say about me!) She's already a strong, surviving, single-mom.  She'll be a powerful testimony to God's Grace and Mercy!  She's beautiful and I love that God has brought her into my life - our lives as a church!

Today our pastor was talking about those times in life where you wonder where God is.  Sometimes you just want to cry out "WHERE ARE YOU NOW, GOD?!  WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AND WHERE ARE YOU?!?!"  But God is everywhere, he said.  God is your neighbor.  God is your friend.  If the Holy Spirit is in you then you are the Hands and Feet of Jesus.  "Look beside you", he said.  "God is there."

And then I thought about the people on my pew alone and the wisdom, love and grace that has moved from person to person down the row.  It's easy to see the hand of God moving from that Life long church couple right down to the baby christian - so new to the faith and still wondering "where are you, God" herself.

And that was just one pew.  Imagine a world where we invested some time, wisdom and love into just the one person beside us.  God's grace reaching out to every person to our left, thanking God for the person on our right!  Go be Jesus for someone on your pew.

Me Time = Bath Time

I went to a new counselor yesterday.  For a first visit, we hit it off pretty well.  She asked me a bunch of questions and I answered them in my usual fashion which made her laugh.  She was impressed with my personality and I think she was a little surprised that on the inside I was facing some crushing sadness.  We didn't even brush the surface of all the stuff that brought me to her office.  Just the facts yesterday.  I got the feeling that's how she started every single one of her new client relationships.  I'm looking forward to going back.  She was nice and I liked her.

At the end of our first visit - (and I thought to myself "here we go...The part where she tells me to just get out and take a walk or get plenty of sleep, eat better, read a book., etc and I'll feel better.....") - she gave me some "homework".  "Please don't tell me to exercise to feel better", I said.  "I won't do it just to spite us both!"  She laughed.  She knew that already, she said, and she knew better.  Her homework was for me to do something for myself every day.  Have a few minutes of "me time", she said.  She threw out a few suggestions - including a hot, soaking bath.  I promised I would do something everyday.  We made an appointment for next week and I left.

So I got up today rushing around to get ready for work and school - suddenly Matthew comes down with something I can only describe as some sort of dysentery.  It was bad.  Poor thing wasn't going to make it.  I called his doctor and checked in with my office.  He was down for the day, and I was going to be at home with my exploding baby.  And that's my life in a nut-shell.  Single mother-hood is just like that.  Hurry up - do it all by yourself - stay home from work because you have to - struggle to pay the bills - worry about how we're going to make it - get up the next day and start over.  And over.  And over.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  But that's not what this blog post is about.....

So a couple of hours ago I started thinking about the counselor and the "me time" thing I was supposed to do.  Bearing in mind that my meds had stopped working weeks ago and I've been tooling around in the pits of despair lately - where everything bothers me, hurts my feelings and causes me much pain and anxiety (a little dramatic - but still!) - I couldn't think of a single "Me Time" thing that seemed appealing. After too much time worrying about the me-time thing I had to do - I picked BATH.  Yes.  A nice, hot, soaking bath. - I would take advantage of my nice, remodeled bathroom and new bathtub here in my new little house.

I can't remember the last time I took an actual, relaxing bath.  All I usually get to do is jump in a quick shower - likely running late for something.  The last time I even sat down in a bath tub was 11 years ago while I was in labor.  But there's nothing - NOTHING - relaxing about a baby trying to pry your cervix open.  So that didn't count.  Excited about this new 'me time' thing - I turned on the hot, hot water and started to fill the tub.  Then in went my toe.  The water was hot - and that was great!  I got both feet in and started to sit down......

Now, I'm older - and, well, larger - than I was the last time I took a bath.  Once my knees bent into about the 'sitting in a chair' position - I really couldn't squat down much more.  So I ended up just sort of falling the rest of the way in.  BIG SPLASH!  But that's ok!  I was in my glorious, hot, steamy, relaxing, bubble-filled bath for my 'me time'!  I thought back, as a small child in our home I remember being able to swim around in the great big tub.  Not so much anymore.  My legs were so long that I couldn't stretch out - but I was able to lie back and put my feet up on the wall.  I put my hot, wet wash cloth on my head and let Calgon take me away!  It was beautiful!!  I was as relaxed as I've been in forever in my watery haven of peace!  I was in my happy place.  I soaked for what seemed like a lifetime - stress, worry, anxiety just washing away from my water-pruned skin.  I smiled, I stretched my arms up over my head, splashed my feet down into the tub and went to slide under the bubbles (just like Julia Roberts in the movie Pretty Woman).  But my butt stopped sliding when my feet wouldn't go over the non-slip tub mat.  I was suddenly crammed into the fetal position and jammed sideways in my tub.  I was trapped like a big, wet rat.  Luckily there were bubbles in the water so I was able to wriggle myself loose.  I got a leg free but I was in an awkward position.  Bearing in mind that 'moving around room' in a bathtub is a premium that us big girls can hardly afford - I figured I'd just get out and start over.  I threw my leg up and over the side and ended up hanging on to the side of the bathtub like a trick pony rider at the county fair, got a hand on the floor and dragged myself out to safety.  I was a little stunned at how quickly a mental paradise can end up with you butt naked on the bathroom floor.  I laughed a little.  Once I got myself back together I just drained the tub and finished up with a quick shower.

When I got out I looked down into the tub amazed at what all had just happened!  I could have died! But I didn't.  I could needed Matthew to call the fire department to come and rescue me!  But I didn't. 'Me Time' didn't kill me!  Humiliating and physically painful?  Sure.  But it didn't kill me!  And I smell fantastic!  So far cognitive therapy has been a huge success!  I can't wait to see what tomorrow's 'me time' brings. :)  Ultimately the moral of this story is this: If you're going under the bubbles ala Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman - remove the no-slip tub mat.

Sometimes Love In Action Looks Like Loaf Bread, Fire Trucks And Tuckaseege Bumper Stickers

Life is precious.  And it's sometimes insane.  I learned that tonight.  I need to talk about it.  And now that everyone's gone to bed I think I'll write about it.  To start with... I haven't written anything in this blog worth mentioning for the last 2 years. Before my mom got sick I wrote often - writing is my hobby and something I enjoy a great deal.  While she was sick I was just a giant ball of emotions and it would all come spilling out on the page.  After she died I wrote 4 or 5 pieces that were published in the papers.  Three months after her death I was so wracked with grief that I couldn't even hold my eyes open without pain.  I didn't feel like living - certainly didn't feel like writing.  The doctor said "there's a pill for that" and he put me on anti-depressant medication.  It must've done something for me - at least I stopped crying uncontrollably and I didn't throw up from stress headaches anymore.  But it sucked the emotions out of me.  My will to do much of anything was gone.  I made it through the days but that was it.  How boring a life to live if you can't feel it some kind of way.  Emotions are the stuff that makes it all interesting.  And without some sort of feelings - I didn't have much to write about at all.

A couple of months ago the doctor worked with me to finally ween me off the medicine.  Although I wouldn't know for sure, I'm thinking coming off of anti-depressant medication feels like kicking heroin.  Or maybe getting run over by a bus.  There's even a name for it, "Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome".  Yep.  I was ate up in some Antidepressant Discontinuation Syndrome and it was B-A-D.  Regardless.  I've endured the weeks of hellish, albeit gradual, withdrawal symptoms and I'm happy to say that I took my last 1/2 a pill last night.  And wouldn't you know it - opportunity for every emotion known to man presented itself to me tonight.  I have felt so many different kinds of ways tonight that I thought for a minute my head might explode.  But the thing I felt the most tonight was God.  I felt His loving mercies wrapped all around me so much so that the hairs stood up on the back of my neck.  I wanted to shout out to everyone, "DO YOU FEEL THAT?!  THAT'S GOD!!!"  

I didn't necessarily mean to get all personal.  I don't know who all reads my blog posts (it surprises me at times when I track my 'hits' and see that people all over the world read my blog.  It's not many people but they're certainly spread out.  Russia, Turkey, Australia, etc.)  So bear with me, my worldly, blog-reading brothers and sisters but I need to get even a little more personal tonight...........I need to speak to my church!

Anyone who knows me knows I love my church.  Tuckaseege Baptist Church, 511 Tuckaseege Road, Mt. Holly, North Carolina, USA.  We have this thing we do called "Love in Action".  The idea is to go out and show people the Love of Christ with our actions - by meeting their needs practically.  Whether it's a meal, a blanket or a ride to somewhere - someone from my church will make it happen for someone in need.  We take it very seriously too.  We have T-shirts that say "Love in Action", a facebook page dedicated to it - and a list of ministries that we partner with on a weekly basis - reaching outside of our church walls to lend a hand.  To be a hand - the Hands and Feet of Jesus.  We have this little thing we say a lot for social media posts saying "Sometimes Love in Action looks a lot like _______________".  Could be anything from changing a tire to watching someone's kids to scraping paint off an old picnic table.  We're not trying to show off, nobody's bragging or saying, "Hey!  Look at me helping someone!" We genuinely love on others because HE loves us. The T-shirts just make us sort of look like a team!

Our church is very good at reaching out to people on the streets, prisoners, shut ins, and hungry people.  It should have been no surprise to me that when I had a need it would be met.  It never occurred to me to ask the very "Love in Action" gang of church people that I'm apart of for help.  But I didn't.  My finances have been disastrous lately - I pray all the time about it saying things like "God, I know you parted the Red Sea for your servant Moses.  Could you possibly help me out with some rent money?"  The other day I was having a conversation with one of my friends from my Life Group (small group, community group, whatever you call yours). "Gas money or Power Bill" I joked as I pulled into the gas station.  "I guess my power will be cut off Monday."  I was laughing - but it was really no joke.  The power was due to be cut off several days before payday.  Without saying anything else about it - my friend had rallied the Life Group and paid my power bill by that night.  One of the girls even hacked into my account to find out how much I owed! (Crazy, stalker lifegroup friends!)  And that would have been more than enough.  But a few days later several of my life group ladies "blitzed" a grocery store and came to my house with many giant bags over flowing with food!!  How could they have known that my cabinet consisted of one can of enchilada sauce and some expired fruit cocktail?!  The Bible says in Luke 6:38, "Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap.  For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you".  Just a week earlier I had given away my last 6-pack of Ramen Noodles to a family that needed some assistance.  I will never take having food for granted again.  It's pretty much everywhere - until you don't have any and no money for any.  Then suddenly a loaf of bread that you didn't have to scrape up change for is like Manna from Heaven.  For me, it might as well have been Manna from Heaven.  It was a miracle - made possible by my church (the hands and feet of Jesus) who does what the Bible says in 1 John 3:18, "Let us not love with words but in actions and in truth".

And then tonight happened.  Tonight we were serving a meal and a sermon to the people at the Gastonia Street Ministries.  We've been going the 2nd Thursday of each month for the last couple of years.  We've nearly got it down to an art!  I don't want to say 'routine' - but it sort of just works out that way now. Tonight was all together different though.  We got a phone call during the meal service about an emergency back at the home of one of our team members.  And suddenly that little "Gang of Doers" sprang into action to rally around our Christian sister in her time of need.  By the time we rounded the corner of her street in our neighborhood, the road was lined with fire trucks and Tuckaseege bumper stickers.  The scene was bad.  It was.  But the first thing I spotted amid the flashing lights and chaos was love.  As a verb, love was spilling out all over the street in front of her home.  Before the first responders had even taken off their jackets - my church had my sweet friend taken care of.  All of our pastors were there - 2 of them even in super hero shirts (because they just both happened to be wearing super hero shirts today - it's how they roll).  Sunday school teachers, one of the firemen was a life-grouper, ex-veterinary technicians to take care of a pet bird, sisters from our prison ministry, our church brother Stephen Stephens (yes, that's really his name) who is just known for giving the BEST HUGS!  Within minutes she and her kids and her dog had a place to stay, new pajamas, any toothbrush, shampoo type thing they might need, breakfast lined up for morning and a solid plan to take care of that family for the next coming days.  Weeks, even.  As long as she needs help - the church is already planning to be there.  The Bible tells us that where ever two or more are gathered in Jesus name - the Holy Spirit is there as well.  He was there tonight - I felt Him.  Even in the face of this disaster - God was there.  And so was half the church and the entire Mt. Holly fire department - who saved the lives of two of her pets and saved her home from total destruction.

I guess at this point I'm rambling.  Perhaps that medication kept me from running on so much?!  I don't know.  But what a night to be un-medicated.  This blog post is likely not to get picked up by any publication - and that's fine.  At least I'm writing again.  I just wanted to tell you, dear reader, how awesome my church is.  But I don't think I can string the right words together to tell my church what they mean to me.  Thank you for the power bill.  Thank you for the groceries.  Thank you for loving people who live in the streets.  Thank you for encouraging me to love.  Thank you for showing our neighborhood tonight what a church is supposed to look like.  Thank you for accepting me - Antidepression Discontinuation Syndrome and all.  Thank you Stephen Stephens for the best hug I've ever had!  Thank you Jones Family for opening your home to our giant life group every week.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for loving my son.  Thank you for praying for us at every turn.  And thank you for being the good and faithful servants that you are.  Sometimes Love in Action looks like a random collection of people mixed together by God Himself to meet the practical needs of those in need.  It looks just like you, my beloved Tuckaseege.  Thank you for being Love in Action.