The morning my dad passed away a grief counselor from the hospice unit came into the room to talk about grief, I suppose. We'd been there for several days and I don't believe I'd talked to her before. She was talking about a process or something when I interrupted her nearly in a panic - "What day is this?!" I practically demanded from this stranger. She seemed a little confused at my question. "Is this Christmas Eve?!" again, I felt like I was in a panic. "Oh please, don't let this happen Christmas Eve", I was thinking to myself. "No", the lady said. "It's the day before". And I felt relieved. We spent that Christmas Eve picking out a casket and Christmas day that year our "family meal" was a few casseroles that friends and neighbors had brought over. Still, at least it wasn't on 'the day'.
I have always loved Christmas - everything about it! I have always loved the actual meaning of Christmas as well as the sparkly side of the holiday. I've always loved Santa Claus, Christmas trees, Manger scenes and the Baby Jesus. I looked forward to it months ahead of it and January was the biggest kill-joy month that ever was! Christmas to me was magical and special. It 'was' all those things. But it became 'when my dad died'. It's the anniversary of one of my darkest moments and there's not enough twinkling lights and eggnog to make into anything much different than that. It's a weird place I find myself in. Christmas comes around so early these days with the retail stores getting out the holiday decor before the Halloween stuff is put away. I'm excited when I'm standing in Wal-mart in the middle of October looking at the glittery ornaments but in the same scene I'm devistated that "Christmas is back" with all of it's stupid glittery ornaments. The continuous Christmas music starts on the radio stations in the middle of November and I tune my radio right to it because I love it so. But the songs bash into my brain like a sledge hammer raging to "REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER". Yep. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year all right.
The first year after my dad died I was compelled to have more than one Christmas tree. I wanted one in every room. And Each tree in each of the rooms had to be completely different and each had to have it's own theme and each had to be named after Christmas songs. I spent a fortune of money I didn't have. I think I was trying so hard not to hate Christmas that I forced it all right down my own throat. I was choking on it and I was going to love it, even if I hated the thoughts! And then there was the matter of being Santa Claus for Matthew. And that's really where I spent up the bill money trying to compensate for the obvious, big, gaping hole in my life. My dad was gone and I tried to make up for that with Christmas trees and one each of everything Toys R Us had to offer a 2 year old boy. That Christmas - as hard as I tried - sucked. If it weren't for Matthew I would have stayed in bed the whole day. I was so grateful I had Matthew to take care of. You can't stop Christmas - even if you wanted to and Santa wasn't coming without me. I got through the morning and I was looking at the home stretch to the end of this wonderfully awful season when I got a phone call saying my brother had collapsed. They rushed him to the hospital where he died before the day was done. And it was 'the day'. And it was then that my Christmas dilemma became almost unbearable.
For the last 5 years I've been on the roller coaster ride that I know as the Christmas season. As much as I love it I hate it. As much as I look forward to it I dread to see it coming. As sad as it is to me to see the Christmas stuff in the stores on clearance before the actual day even gets here I'm grateful that it's come and gone without taking anyone else that I love. And January...that dreadful and depressing, nothing-to-look-forward-to, empty and non-sparkly month that I despise so much is a joy to behold. As nutty as I sound - and honestly I can't believe that I'm even sharing this with anyone - this year has been a little different. A lot different, really. And the reason is my church! I've written about my church before and how thankful I am for it and for the people in it. This Christmas I'm reminded that there's even more to that little church that I can be thankful for and that's for giving me something to look forward to! I have a place to be and people to be around and an opportunity to do things for other people. Tonight my son sang a solo in the Children's choir! I didn't have that before - and I couldn't help but think how much my dad would have loved to see him sing! But I remembered that fondly and I didn't feel like the weight of the thing I was missing was going to crush me. What I had was finally starting to outweigh what was gone! Finally, my mind is on other stuff like Christmas - and the birth of my Savior and not just Christmas - death day for everybody I know.
It still makes me so sad that my dad and my brother aren't around to enjoy the holidays with mom, Matthew and me but I'm not going to let that saddness take the lead this year. This year all truly is calm and bright and I'm letting Christ be the centerpiece of my days! One day I'll see my family in heaven again but until then, from this Christmas forward, I'm easily letting the magic of the season back in my heart and in my home with a celebration of what Christmas is, not longing for something that it's not. God Bless you this season and have a very, Merry Christmas!
