The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit ~ Psalm 34:18
It's the nightfall that's so hard. When I'm tired my mind starts to wander off to places I wish I could go. Like home, or back to the 70's when everyone was alive and we were a family, or Heaven, to name just a few. I climb into her sheets, on the bed that used to be hers, restless and worried. I close my eyes and pray. "Dear God, could you give my mom a kiss for me and make sure she's doing ok? I know Heaven is nice - but I'm sure my mother misses me. Maybe You can let her know when she can expect me so she doesn't have to worry? Could you tell my family I said hello? I miss them, Lord. A girl needs her mom. I know I shouldn't question you, God, but I don't understand Your schedule. It doesn't make sense to take them all away. Leaving my mom here with me for a little while longer would have been the logical thing. Right?"
......By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his son is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. ~ Psalm 42:5
I toss, I turn, I look at the clock. I pull my extra pillow up under my chin and give it a little hug. It's sort of strange, yes, but it comforts me in the darkness. "Embrace me, Lord". I continue to pray. I'm scared and alone here. Enclose me in the sleeves of Your billowing robe. Surely I can find some peace in the layers of Your soft garments? My God, hear my cries. Bend down from Heaven and kiss the top of my head. Calm me with Your loving voice. Just like a mother runs to the aid of her child - awakened by something and crying in the night, come in and check on me. I'm just like a scared child, Father. And I need You to tell me everything's going to be ok. Just stay here with me until I fall asleep."
.....He will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict of grieve the children of men. ~ Lamentations 3:32
My dreams can haunt me. Sometimes I have heard my mom's voice so clearly calling my name that I would get up out of bed and look for her. But I'm always only dreaming. And I always wake up. Sometimes not only do I fall asleep sad and worried, but I wake up in the middle of the night still sad and more exhausted. And I pray some more. "Please God, I'm begging You. Please just bring the peace. I think if I could just stop dreaming, maybe I'll be ok. Stay here with me just a little longer, Lord. Rock me to peaceful slumber." And finally the sleep comes, turning the night into daylight......
.....Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. ~ Psalm 30:5
Morning finally comes. Before the sun comes up I make my way into the kitchen to make my coffee. I enjoy the smell of coffee brewing and I look forward to that first cup! I can hear the birds singing right outside my back door. There's a large bush right off the back step that seems to be home to a feathered family. She sings so sweetly, waking up her babies for their breakfast. I open the door and let my cat in. He's always happy to see me, rubbing up against my leg and meowing at me a catful 'good morning'. The air outside is crisp and fresh, just right. It's peaceful and quiet.
My kitchen window faces east in just such a way that I can see the sun just as it starts to peek over the trees. It sends orange shards of light shooting upward, bouncing on the pillowy clouds. The sky is lighting afire in a reddish haze. "My God, what an artist You are!", I pray. Thank You for the sun, thank You for letting me wake up to see it! It's a beautiful day and it reminds me of the hope I have. I'm grateful for the daylight and grateful for God's mercy. The warmth of the sun reminds me of my blessings, it reminds me that yes, Jesus loves me. I'm not alone and there is purpose in my life.
I drink my coffee from my mom's cup and I think of mornings with her, drinking our coffee together and talking about the garden plans. It makes me smile. The sun creeps slowly upward, waking the yard with its light. The little squirrels and the early birds break the motionless early morning and the dew glistens like diamonds spread over the grass. My heart is happy - it's a beautiful day. Thank you Lord, for the daylight.
On the day my mom died the skies over Charlotte filled with a massive rainbow. It was such a thing of beauty someone's photograph of it even made the news. I called it Mama's Rainbow - as far as I was concerned she sent that rainbow to let us know she made it home ok! That night I went to her home to get some things I would need - her clothes for a funeral, important papers, etc. And I grabbed a little sun catcher from her kitchen window. Clearly it wasn't something I needed but I wanted it more than anything else in the whole house.
When the sun came up that next morning the light shined through the little sun-catcher and sent the beams of color stretching along my kitchen and even down into the hall way. The colorful lights were everywhere, filling up the rooms and rising up the walls with the sun. It was my mom saying "Hi", I figured, and I walked around in the light.
Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. ~ Isaiah 58:8
Not one day has the little window trinket failed to catch the sun. And every morning when I see the little spots of color start to shine and creep up the walls I think of my mom. She's basking in the light of the lamb, praising her Savior, beautiful and alive! She thinks of me every morning and she sends me rainbows. And until the night falls again I'm embraced in my mother's light and I'm at peace.
