Tomorrow is Father's Day...I can't believe it'll be the 5th father's day since you've been gone. Wow, time sure flies. I'm doing well these days - have a good job and my health is holding up. I spend most of my time working and the rest of the time is with Matthew. Summer's here and I'm trying to get us out of the house a little more often. It's hard though, having to work extra hours to pay for daycare now that schools out. But we manage to spend some good time together and we have a lot of fun!
Matthew's at his dad's house this weekend - I thought it was a good time to go, being father's day and all. He doesn't get to spend a whole lot of time with his dad but when they're together I believe they have a good time. It's hard for me to let him go...and my house is incredibly lonely without him. It's occurred to me recently that I've really started to define myself as "Matthew's mom", not just "Jonna" anymore and everything I do has something to do with that boy! I don't shop for myself, cook for myself, watch a movie that I picked out, nothing. And so on the days he's not here I find myself watching Spongebob Squarepants and waiting on his visit to be up so I can go get him. My friend Jenn said I needed to start doing a little more for myself. Maybe she's right. Maybe it's time to start dating again, or at least maybe going out with the girls every so often. I don't know about that - but it's a thought...
Mom's doing ok these days except I think that most days she's got the blues. It was really hard on her when you passed away but that next Christmas morning when Bo passed away was something far worse for her. It's just not natural to lose a son. Dad, when she got home from Texas after Bo's funeral she was a different person and I imagine she'll never be the same. She's hanging in there and she worries so much for Matthew and me. I think if it wasn't for us she'd be ready to get on up there with you and Bo, her mom and her sisters. We had to come up with something to keep her busy after she retired. When I moved to my new place there was a huge yard and she could visualize a garden. So the very next thing we did was get a guy to plow up half the back yard and mom planted a massive garden! All last summer she kept saying how surprised you'd be to see her getting tomatoes off vines she did without your help and how much you used to make fun of her for "planting under the signs"! There might be something to that farmers almanac and the signs and all - because mom and I spent the summer canning stuff! That garden was amazing and last summer was great. I was out of work for part of it so mom and I got to spend a lot of time together. She taught me a lot about gardening, canning and making preserves, cobblers and that family, homemade soup. I was broke but I wouldn't trade last summer for the world! This summer hasn't been as good with me working all the time - and a lot of the time mom's just not been up to getting out in the garden. The plants are growing though and any day now we'll be eating tomato sandwiches with Duke's Mayo!!
I can't even begin to tell you how much I miss you dad. It's hard not being anyone's favorite anymore. Not a single day goes by that I don't think of you in some way, wished I could call you to tell you something or ask your advise. And goodness knows I hate it that you're missing Matthew - I know how much you looked forward to his coming into the world and how much you loved him when he finally got here! Oh! That reminds me...I wanted to thank you for that letter you had written to me, the letter that we found in your brief case after you were gone - thanking me for bringing you Matthew. Well dad, you're welcomed! I'm so SO grateful you got to spend a year with him. In the letter you'd mentioned how you wanted to be there for his first day of school and his first tee ball game and his first fishing trip. All of those things happened in this last year and if being in my heart counts then you were there!
I hoped you could see him - proudly finding his name on his desk on his first day of school. And our fishing trip! What a laugh! It was fun but I'd forgotten how icky it was to break a worm in half with a fingernail. GROSS! Really wish you could have been there for that! Oh, and I was wondering if you're the little spot of light that keeps showing up on our pictures on Christmas morning? It's the strangest thing - and it's only on Christmas mornings and it's always just over Matthew's shoulder. Hmmm.....
Saying I hope you're doing ok would be silly of me - I'm sure Heaven is a wonderful place! I do hope that you and Bo are spending a lot of time catching up. Please give him a big hug and kiss from his kid sister and tell him his kids are all doing well. And dad I really wished it was as easy as writing you a letter. My heart is empty and there's saddness that I can't wipe away. Nothing's the same at all since you've been gone and I don't believe I've fully come to terms with it yet - five years just isn't enough time. I miss you so much. I miss our talks out in the little building and I miss playing the banjo with you. I miss your truck and your advise and your sense of humor that mostly went over my head. I miss picking out cards for you for fathers day and I miss talking to you about the news. I found that guy that used to sing with Jimmy Swaggart Ministries and I just wished I could "really" tell you about it. Nobody else that I know would even care but you would be blown away to know that guy lives in North Carolina now and I even got an email from him! And I wished I could ask you where to get the flourescent light bulb for the juke box. It's burned out and it's a size that they don't seem to make anymore.
I hope that on your last night here that you heard me while I was talking to you. I sat by your bed all night, holding your hand and talking to you about anything you may have wanted to hear. I've done what all I promised you, looked after mom, took care of your treasures, read most of the Billy Graham book, pulled for Jeff Gordon for a year (as hard as it was...) and I've raised Matt as best as I could so far. And I hope I've done right by you and mostly I hope you're proud of me.
I love you so much dad. I'll try to stop by the cemetary soon with some new flowers and the lastest picture of Matthew. Happy Father's Day and I'll be writing more soon.
Love,
Toot
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