The Secret In My Closet - Sizes 8 to 28 Represented In There.

Right now my entire wardrobe consists of 2 pairs of dress pants, one 3/4 length sleeve button up shirt with a collar, a pink sweater and a tight tank top to wear under it, a pair of brown, casual pants, 3 pairs of worn out jeans and a few ill-fitting tee-shirts. I also have a few long sleeve shirts that don't really work in the spring/upcoming summer. And that's all. But, I'm about to be buried under a ridiculous amount of clothes, Clothes, CLOTHES!!! Clothes, clothes everywhere and not a thing to wear...(if I can sort of plagiarize Samuel Taylor Coleridge in the Rime of the Ancient Mariner...). I have a walk-in closet crammed full of clothes, a dresser stuffed so tightly that I struggle to close the drawers, I have mounds of clothes piled on top of the dresser and laundry baskets that I'm trying to find a place for. I even have large storage bins full of clothes out in my storage building. None of it I can wear except the few things I just mentioned. My closet is a symptom of my eating disorder.

Inside my closet, sizes 8 through 28 are represented. I have enough clothes in each of the sizes to constitute an entire 'wardrobe'. At least enough clothes in each size to get by. I've dragged all of these clothes around with me since I was a size 8 - a long, long time ago, adding to the mound for each size that I climbed. The result has left me with literally nothing to wear but more clothes than I know what to do with. I'm not a horder - at least not like the ones you see on TV - but I refuse to get rid of these clothes because "I'm going to lose weight and I'll be able to wear them again". At least that's what I tell myself everytime I go down to Walmart to buy more clothes hangers and another large storage bin to store more clothes in.

I have a little orange dress hanging up right in front of my face that I'm forced to see everytime I walk into my closet. I used to wear that dress - and I hang it in my face to remind me of what I used to be. In my mind it's supposed to be a little encouragement to myself but it's more like an evil voice telling me how much I suck. Since I've grown out of that dress years ago, I've hung it in a food pantry, a cabinet in the kitchen and even folded it an put it in the fridge - thinking maybe I'll see the little bitty dress and decide not to eat whatever I'm after in there. It's a diet trick that doesn't work. One of these days I'll put that dress back on long enough for me to say "take that you stupid little dress!!" and then I'll get rid of it because I'm sick of it and its hateful, constant, daily reminder.

Clothes shopping for me is now just a necessity. I hate to do it but I will if I must. (I'll get more into shopping and just how horrible an activity it is for me in some later post...as I'm just not ready to talk about that yet)...Generally, every shopping trip ends with me vowing to never buy another thread of clothes "in this size". And I'm about as determined in that as I can be. "I have a closet full of nice things - and I'll just lose some weight and wear them", I tell myself. But it only takes a very short amount of time before the 'act of shopping' and the state that it leaves me in to go ahead and completely consume my senses and I try to make that all better by eating. And then I beat myself up some more for eating. And then I eat because I beat myself up so bad for eating. And then I add my purchases to my ever-growing clothes mound and I get on the couch in defeat and exhaustion.

I've successfully lost a good bit of weight a few times. And one of the diet "tricks" I've utilized in that weight loss is when you lose a dress size - give away/get rid of your 'fat clothes'. The thought behind this trick is that you're less likely to gain back your weight if you don't have clothes to wear. Yep. Whatever. As many clothes as I have now - I would have a great deal more if I hung on to all the "fat" clothes I've given to Goodwill. And the truth is somedays I wished I still had some of those clothes - that 'diet trick' didn't work as I don't have a clue what I've spent replacing them when I gained back every ounce I ever lost and then some.

I'm looking forward to getting healthy again. Healthy this time in mind, body and spirit. If I can change the ways I deal with things - mostly with food as my go to - I may be able to get rid of some things once and for all. I'm ready to make a giant donation to the Goodwill store once and for all and remove this burdonsome mound of clothes off my shoulders forever. If I drop a size I vow to drop that sizes wardrobe from my vast collection and I'll make a big fuss over it as if conquering a giant. Each and every piece of clothing I lose will be instead counted as a gain.

Whew! That's a load off my shoulders already! I won't even get started on the shoes!