Lately I've come up with about 7 or 8 different ideas to write about. All of them I'm working on but none of them have I been able to finish. I'm hoping to knock one out tonight ... hopefully! And so, in the meantime, I thought I'd post up a true story about the time a bug flew into my house! I haven't been the same since...
I'm not a great big fan of bugs. If I see one I don't generally scream like a little girl and run away flapping my hands wildly over my head but in general, I don't like them. That's for sure. When it got dark outside tonight I turned the porch light on so the little neighbor girl could see to walk home. The light's been on a good hour and that's plenty of time for all the winged insects to draw near. What is it with the bugs and the lights? You can hear them banging into the glass of our front door, colliding into each other as they dive-bomb the light fixture. I remember when I was a kid one of our friends had a bug zapper. You'd hear the thing fry bugs all night long. In the morning you could look on the ground below the glowing deliverer of death to any bug that dared answer its gleaming call and see hundreds, if not thousands of sizzled and lifeless bug carcasses heaped in a pile. To put it simply, that was just gross. Oh, so back to tonight...
It's an unfortunate placement, a porch light is, right next to the front door. You need it to see who's knocking or to allow whoever's leaving your home to see the stairs so as not to fall and break a bone or twist an ankle. But after an hour or so of the light being on there seems to be a party of flying insects swarming just above head level and right at the main entrance of your house.
So Matthew's little friend had been gone for a bit and he needed to go out to the car to get something. He opened the door and I assume the back draft (or whatever it's called when you open the door and it sort of sucks air from the outside into the inside) created a vacuum and with that flew in the largest, gnarliest, most heinous winged spawn of Satan I have ever seen. It probably weighed 4 pounds and it's thick and brown exoskeleton seemed to be some sort of armor. I can't be for sure if it was intentional but it swooped down just over Matthew's head, it's flapping wings buzzing his precious blonde hair. Matthew let out a yell and dived into the floor covering his head with his little arms. I was caught off guard but as soon as I gained a little composure tried to devise some sort of plan. Matthew screamed at me to "GET HIM! GET HIM" which only made me anxious. "Stop screaming, Matthew!" I said. "I'll get him!"
My original and poorly, albeit quickly thought up plan was to hit the bug with something, perhaps stun him enough to get him out of the house. I grabbed the first thing I could find - a lint roller - and I stood there trying to decipher his flight pattern armed with my sticky weapon. The nasty bug just banged himself against my ceiling and he was so quick motioned there was no way I would be able to get close enough to club him with (or stick him to) my lent roller. Realizing Matthew was still in a fetal position on the floor, I got him up and sent him onto his room. "Turn your TV on the Disney Channel and shut the door", I said. "Don't come out till I tell you... Mama's got this". And he hurried down the hall and slammed his door.
So back to the first bug that I thought might have a real shot at killing me, I surveyed my surroundings. I tried to shoo him with a dish towel to which he scoffed (if bugs do that). I was going to bash him over the head with my broom but figured I'd tear the house down trying to connect. The thing just erratically flew all over my living room periodically coming straight at me, causing me to let out screams and thrash about and dust myself off just in case he was somehow attached to me. Occasionally I'd open the front door and just hope he had the capacity to understand the way to save himself would be to fly out the opened door. No luck. Eventually, the death-beetle landed on the corner of my prized Velvet Elvis painting which was clearly crossing the line. No bug was going to lyte on my dear Elvis Presley hand painted on smooth, black velvet and get away with it. So I grabbed a cup and a piece of paper. My plan was to put the cup over him, gently slide the piece of paper under him and trap him in the cup. And it worked - or at least I thought it did. I headed for the door with my captured creature planning to throw the cup and all out into the yard and slam the door behind me. But then I heard the buzzing. It wasn't coming from the cup at all but from the shirt I was wearing. I let out a blood-curdling, primal screech and lost my religion there for a minute as I did what only can be described as some sort of Tribal Ritual looking dance around my living room just trying to get the thing off me. Matthew yelled from his room "Are you ok?" and then I heard his door lock.
Mommy was not ok. This flying beast commissioned by the Dark One himself had just molested me. I felt like I needed a bath and a nerve pill to get the feeling of his his jagged little legs off my body. I had had it with this bleeping bug. I was trying to somehow just deliver him back into the outside world but no. He wanted to set up shop on my Velvet Elvis and hurl himself into my body with his full force? Well it was on. I called Mike (my vicious killing machine of a cat) into the house. He wanted to play rough? Well let's see how he would like to have his wings ripped off and then be batted around like a toy. And I was going to gladly watch the infliction of torturous doom. It only took a second for Mike to notice the hellish invader. His eyes fixed on him when the bug finally landed in the blinds. Mike slowly and quietly climbed the couch and got into stealth mode, poised to pounce. A little flick of his puffed up tail and suddenly Mike let out a little chatter of a battle cry and hurled himself into the blinds with a force that nearly pulled the shades out of the windows. And the bug flew away again casually banging himself against the ceiling. Mike got himself untangled from the bent and crooked blinds and decided he'd rather go outside to play. He stood at the door and waited on me to open it. Another great idea flew right out the window. Too bad it didn't take the bug with it.
So that was the end of the messing around. I had to get this thing out of the house or there would be no sleep for me. Eventually the bug seemed to become confused (I'm assuming) and maybe a little tired. He decided to take a bit of a rest on the ceiling. He parked it and hung out there for a few minutes. I figured if I was going to get him it was going to be now. Against my better judgement I picked up my broom again and stood there like a ninja for a minute just trying to get up my nerve. I figured I had one good shot to kill him. Anything less than perfect was just going to piss him off. I took a big breath and with a mighty swing gave it my all and whacked that bug as hard as I could wield a broom against the ceiling! And he started to fly. Mercifully he was flying all dazed and crooked. He landed on the floor and I must have beat that bug 20 times with my broom. I never did kill him but I took away his ability to go somewhere. There was nothing left but the matter of scooping up Beelzebug and sending him back through the portal from which he must've come. I was still scared. I've watched about 1 too many scary movies where the monster gets completely killed about 8 different times and just when you think the movie's over he leaps up swinging a blood-covered butcher knife and scares the living poo out of you. I grabbed my power bill and my cable bill and I figured I'd use one piece of mail to sort of push him onto the other piece of mail to carry him outside. I've got to give the bug some credit. Even after being beaten 27 times with a broom not only was he still alive but he had enough strength to cling to my carpet. Not even the really thick Duke Power bill was strong enough to pry him off my floor. But my Bissell 12-Amp Power Force Vacuum Cleaner was. And with that the bug was gone. (After I removed the only half full vacuum cleaner bag from my vacuum, tied it up in a grocery bag that I threw into a large garbage bag and then threw into the trash can outside).
So my point is this... If you ever want to come over here for a visit at night, you're more than welcomed to come. But you might want to bring a flash light to navigate my steps. Because unlike Motel 6, I WILL NOT leave the light on for you!
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