Eulogy For My Friend Diet

Still working through my issues of eating too much, dieting, failing, eating too much, dieting, failing, infinity, etc. ... the next assignment up from my counselor is to write a eulogy to my Diet. I didn't want to! And at first all I could think of was poor, dumb Derek Zoolander being a ridiculously good "eugooglizer". Alas, even in the death of things - hope springs eternal. And the hope now is to bid a fond farewell to all my "diets" and a big hello to something - anything different that might work to get my weight at a place I can be ok with.....

Thank you all for coming. I don't think I have to tell you just how hard it is for me to stand before you today, behind the lifeless body of my friend Diet and tell you what all she meant to me. Grieving her loss and letting her rest in peace will be even harder still. Currently her departure is still very fresh, and honestly, I don't believe I've come to terms with this unimaginable loss.

Diet and I grew up together in a modest, middle class home. I was never hungry and I never wanted for anything. But, I was raised by people who knew the power of hunger and grew up thinking that food was "special". My mother fed me well. And she didn't let me leave anything on my plate. My mom and dad were also southern - and enjoyed all things fried, seasoned in fatback, and full of calories! I mean, the fat is where the flavor is?! Right?! It wasn't the healthiest of foods - but man, when my mom cooked... food felt like LOVE! Holidays were the BEST! There was never a special occasion that didn't revolve around food! Where ever friends and family were gathered, there was food. It's just how it was.

As kids Diet and I enjoyed meals together - never giving much thought about weight issues or health. We just ate what we wanted and went on about our days. But heading into my pre-teen years all of a sudden I noticed I was a pudgy kid. Diet noticed also, and while looking out for my best interest, often reminded me that perhaps I should slow down on the pasta! Just trying to help - she would even, at times, urge me not to eat at all. Together she and I maintained a tall, curvy figure. As long as she stuck with me and I did what she told me to - we made a great team! 

Diet was successful in her chosen field - losing a lot of weight several times. From Adkins to The Zone, from Jenny Craig to Weight Watchers - Diet was enthusiastic and ever-willing to put me through the wringer to make me the best me I could be!! I only wished I had the stamina and will power she tried to instill. I can still see her happy and smiling face yelling at me "YOU CAN DO IT!!"  

You know, come to think of it though - Diet and I had a complicated relationship. She had a dark side too and she was was hard on me. So hard on me that I became very hard on myself. The more she tried to get out of me the less I gave her what she wanted. When I tried to turn my back on her she would come for me, ever talking me back into her good graces. The older I got the more it was an on-again, off-again relationship. I had stopped my die-hard commitment to her, but there were times she'd still put up a fuss until I gave in. Occasionally I'd at least try to cut out entire food groups for long periods of time or something. Through the years however, she was wearing me down. She would side with her buddy, Scales, and they would gang up on me to make me do what she wanted. I started to feel like Christina Crawford telling her mom, Joan Crawford, "I love you, Mommie Dearest", 5 minutes after cleaning the Ajax Cleanser off the bathroom floor and getting a beat down from a wire hanger. Did Diet frustrate me?! YES! Did I love her any way? Oh yes. DO I HATE HER?! YESSSS!!!!!  Wait... where was I?! I forgot where I was for a moment.....

And so, in conclusion my dear, sweet friend Diet, as much as I love you - it's time for me to let you go. Rest in Peace, friend, although I know that's hard for you! You'll never be far from my heart or thoughts, but I must learn now to live without you. And well, I have met someone who, I think, will fill the hole you've left in me - Healthy Choices. Ms. Choices and I will work together to replace you in a way that I can look back over yours and my adventures together fondly - but not in a way that Christina Crawford felt when she got zilch from Joan's lush estate - except the last word! But then again, maybe I will have the last word........... Mommie Dearest sold a zillion copies!